I don't know where to begin.

I'm starting this blog because I really need to just get all of this out of my head. I've known for a long time that my mom was an alcoholic. Actually admitting that.... not so easy. And hasn't happened until today. She got a DUI last night, second time in 10 years. My sister had to go pick her up from jail. I couldn't believe it when I talked to my sister at about 11am this morning. I had just called my mom a few minutes before she called. My mom's phone was off. It was very strange, as it's always on. I left her a message saying it's weird her phone was off, but told her I just called to say hi and see how she and her new cats were doing. Little did I know that it was off because she was in jail.

I'm bad at talking about this sort of thing. I'm much better when I can write it all down and get my words straight, because otherwise I just end up saying things I'll regret later because I'm so caught up in emotion. Or I won't say everything that I need to because I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings. So I emailed her. And this is what it said:

"I can’t believe I have to write this to you and I never wanted to, but I can’t be quiet about this anymore. I know this is going to hurt you, but believe me, I’m (and Audrey, although I can’t speak for her) hurting as well. In ways you can’t even begin to imagine. But I can’t keep ignoring what’s obviously going on. Mom, you’re an alcoholic. It’s such an ugly word but it’s the truth. And we don’t have time anymore to not be honest about things. I love you too much to just be quiet and polite anymore.

You need help. You are sick and need help. Just like all sick people do. But there’s a difference between being sick and making bad choices. And what happened was a bad choice. You know right from wrong because you teach it to us and always tell us to be safe, never drink and then drive. So WHY does this have to happen??? We all make bad choices, but you haven’t learned from them. This happened before and it made you sober for about a year it seemed, but after that it was back to the same old thing. I hope with everything that I have that this time is different. Please let this be the last time. Please stop drinking.

I feel like me and Audrey are the adults and now we have to look after you. You were probably mad when you found out I told Aunt Jen, but what else are we supposed to do. Handle this ourselves??? At this point, you have no choice but to let us help you. You are literally digging yourself a grave if you go on like this. I can’t even imagine what could have happened. You could have KILLED yourself, or someone else.

I can’t believe the situation that you inadvertently put Audrey in. The fact that I couldn’t be there with her killed me. I almost went right then to the airport to fly home to be with her. I can’t believe she had to do that by herself. NO 20 year old should ever have to pick up their mother from jail. I know that’s not what you wanted, but it’s what happened. I had over 10 missed calls from her at 3am, I couldn’t even imagine what went wrong. I called her when I got up, but no answer. When she called me back I was eating my bagel and getting my coffee, finally settling down to all of the work I have to get done this weekend. And it was some of the worst news you could ever get while at a coffee shop on a Saturday morning. I had no idea what to say.

And still don’t know how to say anything, which is why you’re getting this email. You remember when I texted you when you were out all night when we were having a cousin sleepover? I said that I was worried. And this is exactly what I was worried about. I feel like some sort of prophet now, and not in a good way. I worry about you doing this every time you go out. I imagined this exact situation happening that night, with all the girls over. I hate worrying about you. I think I worry about you probably more than you worry about me, if you can even imagine that. I’m disappointed in myself for not doing something to stop you sooner, but what could I say??? How do you have that conversation with your own mother? Well this has forced me to say something.

I know you think I’m “uptight” (as you’ve said before), but this is why. This is EXACTLY why I am the way I am. When you were in New York and wanted to go to a bar at 4pm and I was resistant, this is why. When you wanted to buy beer at Duane Reade while we had an hour to rest at your hotel and I gave you a look and you thought I was being a bitch, this is why. It would hurt me so much when you would say these things, acting like I’m the not-fun one of the family. But really, it would hurt for about 10 minutes before I realized that it was just your sickness talking.

And now you see, this is why I’m uptight. This is why I don’t like to go get a drink in the afternoon, or drink at family parties. And if you think I’m uptight or don’t know how to have fun, that’s fine, because I’m not the one calling my daughter to come pick me up from jail.

When this happened like 8 years ago, Audrey and I knew there was a problem. And for 8 years we’ve ignored it. But it can’t be ignored anymore. At that point, I think we almost chose to be blind to what was happening. We were only like 13 and 15… dealing with the fact that you suddenly realize that your mom is an alcoholic is not something you can easily deal with. Plus it was easier. Even though you and dad weren’t together, we didn’t have to deal with it as much because we had a buffer. I don’t really know what this has to do with anything, but it’s different this time because me and Audrey both understand these things in a different and more serious way.

And please never say, I know how you feel, because you don’t. You never had to worry about picking your mother up in jail. Or worrying every time she went out. Do you realize that most of our fights (and your fights with Aud) happen after you’ve been drinking? The time right before we got my iPhone and you got upset at me for no reason in the car, I know you were drinking before that. All those times you’ve gotten mad at me for wanting to drive after you’ve been drinking? I would get in trouble for doing the right thing and trying to prevent exactly what happened. I would be SO angry when you would get mad at me for wanting to drive after you’ve been drinking, it was so backwards. Shouldn’t I have been the one being angry at you for wanting to drive drunk? But no, you acted like I was being a snot and a bitch for trying to prevent you from going to jail, but obviously I can’t try to protect you all the time.

It’s obvious what’s going on when you see all of the evidence in the breezeway, down by the laundry machine, the box of wine in the cupboard. Part of me loathes every family party because I know how much you’ll drink. When everyone thought that it was crazy that that wedding the Casella's were going to had no alcohol? Believe me, I’ve thought MANY times about having a no-alcohol wedding just so you wouldn’t drink. You act so different when you drink… I HATE it.

You’re agitated, forgetful, short with us, say inappropriate things and are just different. The drinking you is not the real you. The real you is warm and loving and so incredibly generous. I hate that your sickness controls who you are and takes that away sometimes. I know what I’m about to say is going to hurt you, but your disease makes me closed off to other people more than the divorce. Everyone has divorced parents and that’s easy to open up about, but your mom being an alcoholic? Definitely harder to talk about.

I honestly don’t know what to feel right now. I don’t know whether if I were with you if I’d want to scream at you or hug you. I’m so angry and hurt and sad. I don’t know if me being in New York makes it easier or worse for me. I don’t have to deal with this if I don’t want to, but I know that I have to, for your and our family’s sake.

Please get help for yourself. I know you don’t love yourself right now, but there are other people who do. And we love you too much to not force you to get help for yourself. You need to concentrate on you and being the best and healthiest you that’s possible. And right now you’re not there. And you need professional help to get there. But it is possible. You are such an amazing person and mother when you’re sober. But when you’re drinking, you’re a different person. And that person needs to go.

I know everything that I had to say was hurtful but you need to understand why you have to hear all of this. If I didn’t say this, I feel like no one would. I owe it to you to be honest with you. In a way, I’m glad this happened because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to say any of this, which has been building up for 10+ years. I know this sucks but you need to hear it. Please don’t get help just because your terms of probation make you. Get help because you WANT to. Because you need to. For yourself and for us. You know I love you so much. I wouldn’t have gone through the pain of telling you all of this if I didn’t.

And it’s not just you who needs help; we all do, for supporting your habits. I know I’ve passively supported all of this by not saying anything, but that time is over. I have to be completely honest with you. I’ve already researched al-anon meetings (for friends and family) here in NY because I need to learn how to deal with this as well and learn how I can support you the best. Remember, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you, but I do. And when you love someone as much as I love you, you do ANYTHING in order to fix things. You’re not in this alone. You can’t change the past but we can change what happens in the future. And in the end, you’re the only one that can prevent this from happening again.

I don’t know what else to say, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’ve drank so much coffee today to have a rational reason for why my whole body feels numb- trying to get myself to think that it’s the coffee and not the news I received this morning that’s making me feel this way. I don’t know how your life is going to change now, and I know it’s going to suck, but I hope it changes for the better. I need you to be around for a long time, so you need to get better. Please."


I don't know if those were the right things to say or if I should have said that much so soon, but I feel like I had to. It's been building up in me for so long, and I'm relieved she knows how I feel. She's called me since getting the email and left a voicemail, crying, saying that everything I said was completely true and that she knows we can't trust her right now but this time it's different. She's right; I can't trust her and don't know if this time is 'different'. Only time will tell. And it's going to take a hell of a lot of time.

-Suz