Phew...

I almost cried at work today for the first time ever.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE READING ANYMORE: I love my job more than anything and almost always look forward to leaving my house at 6:30 and trekking up to the Bronx to see 6 smiling faces looking at me. I'm also on my period and thus hyper-emotional. Also hyper-emotional because of all the personal things going on.

So anyways, today one of my students was OUT OF CONTROL at breakfast. Yes, the whole wanting to cry thing happened before I even got to my classroom with my students. I don't want to get into it but she was basically in crisis mode (I have severely special ed. students) and no one in the cafeteria was helping me. But it's over and done, tomorrow will be better.

But you know, it just sucks. Normally when people talk about crying at work, it's because of something a mentally-capable adult does. I was about to break down at work because of what a 6-year-old with autism was doing. Sigh.

Since I was feeling like absolute crappity crap after school, I decided to decompress in bed for a little bit and then go on a run. And believe it or not, I actually got out of bed to do it! Honestly, it's 3 hours post-run, and I'm still shocked that I kept my promise. And being so surprised with myself, of course I'm in a better mood.

Maybe I'm finally subconsciously REALLY committed this time to becoming more active and getting in shape. And this makes me verrryyyy happy. It's been a while since I've considered myself an active person. I started out by jogging before stopping to catch my breath and stretch, and my lungs were DYING. But instead of turning around, I kept going, and ended up at the George Washington Bridge! All the way from Columbia! This fact definitely made me happy, I think *maybe* I got a shot of the elusive "runner's high".... but maybe it was a fluke.

I then ran back downtown through Harlem, which I acutally enjoyed a lot more than running on the street in the Upper West Side. Definitely more interesting and more things to see and keep my mind off of running.

Hopefully I can keep this up. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the word. I have no arches in my feet, and thus horrible knees, I'm slow, and I feel like a panting dog when I do it. BUT, I'm not doing it for anyone else, so I don't care if I look or sound ridiculous, I'm doing it for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even get crazy and pony up the $100/month to join a gym soon...??

And it never stops...

**WARNING: Please please please please don't think I'm a huge bitch for this post... please. I'm not, promise.**

Seriously, can I just catch a break? Everything around me is so messed up, it's hard to keep my life completely straight and normal.

This weekend, one of my roommates (we'll call her Carly) had a manic depressive/bi-polar episode or breakdown. I'm not exactly sure what happened. Basically it involved overdosing on pain killers, complete hysterics, cops/EMTs violently knocking at our door at 4am Saturday morning. I'm not sure if she called 911 or what. I was in a very deep sleep (thank you Nyquill) so I didn't wake up until like halfway through the whole ordeal and I just heard all of these loud male voices, their radios going off, them talking to my other roommate, and Carly completely hysterical crying and screaming "DON'T PUT ME AWAY!!!".

A quick note on my roommate sitch... I found them through Craigslist when I first moved here. They seemed normal, the price was right, the area was good, etc etc. But after moving in I realized that no one is really social, they're all pretty awkward, and no one hangs out together. I also noticed Carly had severe mood swings, chain smoked occasionally (I was told there was absolutely no smoking in the apt.), and one time she had bandages on her arms for a few weeks because she cut herself so badly. She also has this weird almost 40 year old guy that she dates/fucks and he makes me SUPER uncomfortable. I hate going into my kitchen and seeing him poking around the fridge. Ugh. The other roommates I have (2 of them) are normal but I can go days and days without seeing them.

Carly's mom is also constantly at our apartment (I'd say she sleeps on our couch like 4 nights/week) which really, really irks me. Her mom is a huge sweetheart and I wouldn't mind her dropping in every week for a quick visit, but I did not expect there to be a 50 yr. old woman sleeping on my couch 4 out of 7 nights of the week when I signed this lease.

So anyways, I don't know Carly all that well and the other roommate seemed to be handling it, so I didn't come out of my bedroom. Honestly, I was scared and shaking (and practically naked in PJs) and don't think I could have emotionally handled seeing it all. So thats why I don't know all of the details.

ANYWAYS, she came back on Saturday at like noon. I didn't see her, but I saw her mom. I asked her how she was and she said she was doing ok, just upset and said that Carly's been like that for a long time. I feel really bad for Carly and her family. Like really bad. Mental illness is such a difficult thing for people to go through and I can't even imagine being in that sort of despair mentally.

Now here's where I get all selfish and scum of the earth sounding. But THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR! I didn't sign up for someone's mom to live with us. I didn't sign up for cycles of manic and depressive behaviors. I didn't sign up for someone banging down the door at 4am. I didn't sign up for feeling like I can't come out of my room. I didn't sign up for feeling like this isn't my home. I didn't sign up for feeling uncomfortable in the one place I'm supposed to be able to relax. Her family has been here all day and is now all sleeping over... I don't understand why they don't just take her home to Long Island! It's obvious she needs to be under close supervision, I just don't get it.

I guess it's just a lot of issues with my whole living situation that has finally come to a head. I can't deal with it. I deal with crazy kids and situations at work... I can't deal with it at home too. I know that sounds horrible but I just can't. Especially with what's going on with my family right now, I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this.

So now begins the daunting task of moving/finding a new apartment/finding new roommates. No one that I know is looking for roommates right now so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I told my mom that my #1 concern was how expensive moving was (paying for movers, sec. deposit, possibly having to pay 2 rents for a month, etc) and she said she would help me out however she could financially to make sure that I'm comfortable. Of course, I hate having to depend on her, but at this point I can't afford to deny that financial help.

I'm just frustrated because this is not the type of living situation I wanted at age 22 and living in NYC. I wanted a roommate that I could go out with, try that new cool restaurant with, watch trashy TV with, bitch about her day with. Hopefully I'll find that soon, but I have a feeling it's gonna be a long road.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. Despite what it might seem like, I'm VERY sympathetic to my roommate and her family and will do whatever I can to help her/them. But I need to remember my own well-being above all else. So no judgement, k?

PS: I PROMISE to write about something not so depressing soon. I swear, my life isn't as horrible as it sounds like in this blog.