Weeeekend.... !!

What would I do without the weekend??? What a scary thought, life without the weekend. This past week was soooo long, so this weekend was a very much welcomed break.

I'm finally feeling settled and at home in New York. I finally feel like I have a solid group of friends and that I know the city like the back of my hand. I finally feel like I have a place here and that I fit in.

On Friday I went out with two friends, one of whom I haven't seen in a really long time. Usually, when teachers hang out with eachother, it's a time to complain, bitch, and just talk about how annoying students and administration are. But these girls are so upbeat and actually make me feel good about my job and how I'm doing. I love positive people. It took me like an hour to get back to the west side at tne end of the night, but it was still a great night out.

Yesterday, The Greek God called me at like noon and asked me to come to Philadelphia that night to celebrate his birthday. As much as I'd love to see him, the thought of figuring out how to get there and actually doing it was way too much for me. He argued that he was there for my 21st so I should be there for his, but if he really wanted me there, he would have given me more notice than 8 hours, right?

J gchatted me today and told me that he went to The Greek God's party last night. Part of me didn't want to go because I thought I wouldn't know anyone and would be the super awkward girl talking to no one, and part of me didn't want to go because I thought J would be there and I'd be stuck talking to and hanging out with him the whole night. So all in all, I'm glad I didn't go because I reallllllly didn't wanna see him and have to spend a night in the same room with him.

I'm watching the MSU basketball game right now and getting really excited. I'm totally cheering for them, even though it kind of goes against my religion and allegiance to my superior alma mater. But still, gotta cheer for the Big Ten and most importantly for the wonderful state of MI. Go green? Yes, go green!

Phew...

I almost cried at work today for the first time ever.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE READING ANYMORE: I love my job more than anything and almost always look forward to leaving my house at 6:30 and trekking up to the Bronx to see 6 smiling faces looking at me. I'm also on my period and thus hyper-emotional. Also hyper-emotional because of all the personal things going on.

So anyways, today one of my students was OUT OF CONTROL at breakfast. Yes, the whole wanting to cry thing happened before I even got to my classroom with my students. I don't want to get into it but she was basically in crisis mode (I have severely special ed. students) and no one in the cafeteria was helping me. But it's over and done, tomorrow will be better.

But you know, it just sucks. Normally when people talk about crying at work, it's because of something a mentally-capable adult does. I was about to break down at work because of what a 6-year-old with autism was doing. Sigh.

Since I was feeling like absolute crappity crap after school, I decided to decompress in bed for a little bit and then go on a run. And believe it or not, I actually got out of bed to do it! Honestly, it's 3 hours post-run, and I'm still shocked that I kept my promise. And being so surprised with myself, of course I'm in a better mood.

Maybe I'm finally subconsciously REALLY committed this time to becoming more active and getting in shape. And this makes me verrryyyy happy. It's been a while since I've considered myself an active person. I started out by jogging before stopping to catch my breath and stretch, and my lungs were DYING. But instead of turning around, I kept going, and ended up at the George Washington Bridge! All the way from Columbia! This fact definitely made me happy, I think *maybe* I got a shot of the elusive "runner's high".... but maybe it was a fluke.

I then ran back downtown through Harlem, which I acutally enjoyed a lot more than running on the street in the Upper West Side. Definitely more interesting and more things to see and keep my mind off of running.

Hopefully I can keep this up. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the word. I have no arches in my feet, and thus horrible knees, I'm slow, and I feel like a panting dog when I do it. BUT, I'm not doing it for anyone else, so I don't care if I look or sound ridiculous, I'm doing it for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even get crazy and pony up the $100/month to join a gym soon...??

Jail.

My mom is in jail.

Never, EVER, in my entire life did I ever think I'd be writing such a sentence. I can't even write about it in my actual real-life-write-with-a-pen journal because it feels too permanent. I can write it in here becaue I can go back and delete this if I can't bear to look at that word.

I grew up with dance recitals, planting vegetable gardens in the front yard, straight A report cards, being an altar girl, going to grandma's every Sunday for extended family dinner, with my mom as the parent volunteer in elementary, I grew up never knowing what heartbreak was.

And now I'm truly heartbroken at where my mom is (I can't even write it). Yes, she gets out tomorrow and it's been less than a week and she's still able to go to work while she's there. But just thinking of my mom in there... I can't even being to imagine what she has to wear when she's in there and what she has to eat or where she sleeps.

I don't know if I even WANT to know any of the details. I kind of just want to forget that she ever had to go there.

I've been able to talk to her Monday and Tuesday because she's working and has her cell phone, and she sounds so good. So good. I'm having more problems with all of this than she is. She's thankful that she just got pulled over and didn't cause an accident. She says she knows this is so life-changing for her and says that she's "glad to be there" because it's such an important lesson.

I need to let go of my whole perfect life thing. Growing up, I always thought I had the perfect life. Obviously, I don't. SO far from it, it's not even funny.

I need to find a way to get over this. I've even gone to church for the past 2 weeks in a row to try to find answers and peace. I haven't gone to church alone and willingly for 8 years. And it is helping, surprisingly.

I just hope I can get over this. My mom has- and now I need to, too.

(All I see in this post is "I" "I" "I", me me me, but it's late.)

I know I'll see you again...

Lately I've been missing Leo, for no particular reason. I wonder if he ever misses me. I hope so but I'm not totally sure.

He randomly started gchatting with me the other night, which we do every few months. Nothing earth shattering, just checking up on life. He'll graduate this year and then has no idea where he'll be. Part of me thinks he'll come back to DC and part of me thinks he'll stay in MI.

I just wonder if I'll feel about someone else how I felt about him. We had such a rocky relationship and it totally sucked while we were in it, and I didn't understand how much I cared about him at the time. Sure I was IN LOVE with him, but I didn't realize how much I truly LOVED him.

And I still think we're soulmates. Even when we talk either in person or on the phone just about superficial things I still feel something (on gchat I don't feel anything... I'm bad with online communication).

I wish I would have tried harder to get back together with him last year at school. Now I know we'll never be "together" again, but I know our paths will cross.

I wish there were clearer answers to life. Sigh. I just hate thinking about him and wish I could erase all memory.


PS: CT contacted me this weekend- ugh. He still thinks I want to see him. Barf.

Title inspired by Incubus. Quite possibly my favorite song of all time.

Stream of consciousness

Cueing stream of consciousness...

why can i never fall asleep on sundays???
i have to wake up in 3 hours and it's 2:07 am whyyy....
i hope my nails stay nice looking for at least two days
this $9 OPI nail polish better be worth it
UGH i cant believe i spent $9 on nail polish today
but i couldn't resist the perfect shade of pink, right?

i need to keep reminding myself that it's just a job
not my life.
my job is not my life.
my job is not my life.
repeat 10x
i mean it's not like it's "suzanne review time"
it's "school review time"
maybe the reviewer won't even observe me

i just wish i could f-ing sleep.
i wish my white mac book was whiter.
i wish my mom wasn't going to have to go to jail.
i wish my sister lived in nyc.
i wish i didn't stress about work like i do.

i'm not a perfectionist in anything else besides work
and i still don't feel good enough.
i hope the kids aren't crazy tomorrow
even though i know they will be super thrown off.
i bought a new pink travel mug to encourage myself to make coffee at home.
i hope it works.

i should go to bed
but it's too hot in my room and i feel like poop.

End of ridiculousness.

Blurred lines

Even though I graduated almost 10 months ago, I still don’t feel comfortable being a grow-up person. Maybe after the year mark. Then I can’t go back and say “at this time last year…”. I feel like I’m growing up to fast. I don’t know how to negotiate this fine line in between childhood and adulthood.

Yes, “childhood” ends at like age 10, but I just mean like the whole “parents taking care of you” stage of life. I mean it’s tax season, and I (God-forbid) have to figure out how to do it myself!! I just made my own dentist appointment for the first time n my life. Maybe it’s my parents fault for spoiling me.

Last week, I went home because I had the week off of work (thank you education). I flew back to the city on Thursday and when I was at the airport in Detroit, the airport was swarming with Michigan kids because they just got out for spring break. It was weird to see familiar faces.

As I got settled down into my nice exit row window seat, the hot guy in the window seat looked oddly familiar. (The middle seat was empty.) I couldn’t figure out how I knew him… if it was from somewhere in New York or if I knew him from college. It was just the most bizarre clashing of my two distinct lives because I couldn’t figure out if he was from the past or from the present. I feel like my life now is a completely separate entity from what it was before I moved here, and it’s weird when they over-lap.

Eventually, I figured out who he was. He was a door guy at the bar we used to always go to senior year. Every (and I mean EVERY) Thursday night we’d put on our semi-slutty-yet-trying-to-look-nice outfits and go out with no jacket and heels on, even in the snow. Jackets would surely get stolen and hopefully we’d have done enough pre-gaming to not feel the biting cold.

It was in that disgusting basement bar/dirty dance club that I have some of my best college memories. Cheap drinks, drunken dancing, kissing boys that I shouldn’t have, creating memories that we’d look back at and roll our eyes and laugh.

And there I was sitting on that plane, thinking that exactly one year ago this guy was checking my ID at the door as I was getting ready to make some probably not-so-wise decisions. And now he was sitting next to me on my plane to LaGuardia, me working on lesson plans and him reading a huge stock market book. Weird to think how much can change in one year, and how life really is a continuous thing, not two separate entities defined by a move across the country.

Fallen Off

Yes, I've fallen off the face of the blog-earth. I'm still alive and feel like I'm finally getting my life to a point where I'm happy. I need to start writing again for my own sanity... but my "writing" has been demoted to jotting random thoughts in my pink moleskin (lovelovelove). I'm going to try to get back to some sort of normal blogging soon because life is moving too fast. SLOW DOWN. sigh.

The pitfalls of online dating

Sooo recently, being unhappy with my dating status and unsure of how to meet quality single men in New York, I signed up for match.com for one month. I've always been very averse to doing this sort of thing for fear that someone will "find me" and I'll be embarrassed about how pathetic I feel. Although nowadays, I think online dating is pretty normal, so really I just need to get over myself and stupid insecurities.

It's like 2 weeks into my month long thing and nothing has come of it. There's been 3 major problems with most of the guys who have 'winked' or emailed me. 1. They're not attractive or not my type. 2. They don't live in the city. 3. They tYpE LyKe dIs. In all fairness, I haven't exactly been proactive in trying to find someone. Even in online dating I'm much more comfortable being the passive one. I want them to come to me, you know?

The whole point of this post... I was just checking my Daily 5 (5 people they think you'll be interested in) to see what sort of group match.com decided was my type on this particular day, and lo and behold, there is this guy I know. We went to the same college although didn't really know each other before moving to NYC. We're both in the same line of work so we hung out a few times at the beginning of the summer. He was being kinda creepy though and weird, and was a little to clingy right away, so we drifted apart eventually. He also hooked up with one of my best friends freshman year of college and told all of his friends that they slept together, even though they didn't. Even though that was a long time ago it still puts me on high alert.

But there he is on my Daily 5. Apparently we're like a 88% match. So my question to you readers, if you're on match.com.... if he's in my Daily 5, will I be in his? I can just see the awkwardness that could possibly ensue.

[EDIT: I just realized that now he'll be able to see that I looked at his profile, so he will see me and probably click on mine. Fuck. I did it to myself though, actually clicking on his profile. Good thing I have a good sense of humor and awkward situations are pretty much my standard lifestyle.]

And it never stops...

**WARNING: Please please please please don't think I'm a huge bitch for this post... please. I'm not, promise.**

Seriously, can I just catch a break? Everything around me is so messed up, it's hard to keep my life completely straight and normal.

This weekend, one of my roommates (we'll call her Carly) had a manic depressive/bi-polar episode or breakdown. I'm not exactly sure what happened. Basically it involved overdosing on pain killers, complete hysterics, cops/EMTs violently knocking at our door at 4am Saturday morning. I'm not sure if she called 911 or what. I was in a very deep sleep (thank you Nyquill) so I didn't wake up until like halfway through the whole ordeal and I just heard all of these loud male voices, their radios going off, them talking to my other roommate, and Carly completely hysterical crying and screaming "DON'T PUT ME AWAY!!!".

A quick note on my roommate sitch... I found them through Craigslist when I first moved here. They seemed normal, the price was right, the area was good, etc etc. But after moving in I realized that no one is really social, they're all pretty awkward, and no one hangs out together. I also noticed Carly had severe mood swings, chain smoked occasionally (I was told there was absolutely no smoking in the apt.), and one time she had bandages on her arms for a few weeks because she cut herself so badly. She also has this weird almost 40 year old guy that she dates/fucks and he makes me SUPER uncomfortable. I hate going into my kitchen and seeing him poking around the fridge. Ugh. The other roommates I have (2 of them) are normal but I can go days and days without seeing them.

Carly's mom is also constantly at our apartment (I'd say she sleeps on our couch like 4 nights/week) which really, really irks me. Her mom is a huge sweetheart and I wouldn't mind her dropping in every week for a quick visit, but I did not expect there to be a 50 yr. old woman sleeping on my couch 4 out of 7 nights of the week when I signed this lease.

So anyways, I don't know Carly all that well and the other roommate seemed to be handling it, so I didn't come out of my bedroom. Honestly, I was scared and shaking (and practically naked in PJs) and don't think I could have emotionally handled seeing it all. So thats why I don't know all of the details.

ANYWAYS, she came back on Saturday at like noon. I didn't see her, but I saw her mom. I asked her how she was and she said she was doing ok, just upset and said that Carly's been like that for a long time. I feel really bad for Carly and her family. Like really bad. Mental illness is such a difficult thing for people to go through and I can't even imagine being in that sort of despair mentally.

Now here's where I get all selfish and scum of the earth sounding. But THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR! I didn't sign up for someone's mom to live with us. I didn't sign up for cycles of manic and depressive behaviors. I didn't sign up for someone banging down the door at 4am. I didn't sign up for feeling like I can't come out of my room. I didn't sign up for feeling like this isn't my home. I didn't sign up for feeling uncomfortable in the one place I'm supposed to be able to relax. Her family has been here all day and is now all sleeping over... I don't understand why they don't just take her home to Long Island! It's obvious she needs to be under close supervision, I just don't get it.

I guess it's just a lot of issues with my whole living situation that has finally come to a head. I can't deal with it. I deal with crazy kids and situations at work... I can't deal with it at home too. I know that sounds horrible but I just can't. Especially with what's going on with my family right now, I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this.

So now begins the daunting task of moving/finding a new apartment/finding new roommates. No one that I know is looking for roommates right now so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I told my mom that my #1 concern was how expensive moving was (paying for movers, sec. deposit, possibly having to pay 2 rents for a month, etc) and she said she would help me out however she could financially to make sure that I'm comfortable. Of course, I hate having to depend on her, but at this point I can't afford to deny that financial help.

I'm just frustrated because this is not the type of living situation I wanted at age 22 and living in NYC. I wanted a roommate that I could go out with, try that new cool restaurant with, watch trashy TV with, bitch about her day with. Hopefully I'll find that soon, but I have a feeling it's gonna be a long road.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. Despite what it might seem like, I'm VERY sympathetic to my roommate and her family and will do whatever I can to help her/them. But I need to remember my own well-being above all else. So no judgement, k?

PS: I PROMISE to write about something not so depressing soon. I swear, my life isn't as horrible as it sounds like in this blog.

Random 3:06am thought

Er... why is it that when you take a cab at 3 am, the cab driver always has someone to talk to on his bluetooth? Like to cabbies in NYC have an unlimited list of friends who are awake at 3am? Do they talk to other cabbies about the drunk people they're driving? What's the deal with that?

And to push this inquiry even further.... how is it that they listen to the mystery person for like 5 mins and then have 2 words to say back... then listen for another 3 mins and hang up without saying anything? I'm seriously perturbed... does anyone else pay attention to this while riding in cabs late at night?

I always think they're talking to me... I think that's why I'm so "concerned" about this "issue".

A better post coming tomorrow... promise.

Sick day

I haven't taken a sick day since starting my grown-up-working life in September, until today. I have this super nasty chest cold and feel disgusting and crabby. I was horrible to the kids (I'm a teacher) yesterday and so mean and crabby, I couldn't do it again today.

So today, I slept in, made lunch, watched TV**, replaced my stupid lost MetroCard (it's a yearly pass that is automatically deducted from my paycheck, so I had to go allll the way downtown to City Hall and get a new one), got grumpy because it was a hassle, and then went and attempted to lesson plan (didn't work out so well). And now I'm debating cleaning my horrifying mess of a bedroom. I still haven't unpacked from winter vacation (11 days ago) if that gives you any indication.

A HUGE thanks to the people who've emailed me or left comments, I really appreciate the support. I don't know what's going to happen with my mom but I'm so thankful she's getting the support she needs right now and is being open with me. This is the first time our relationship has been 100% honest. She's already gone to two AA meetings this week and just had her consultation tonight for her outpatient rehab, which will meet 3x per week for 3 hrs. She's told me all about the AA meetings and said she really likes them and feels so good about everything.

I just really don't want to clean my room right now, but I think it'll make me feel a lot better, maybe not as sick. Maybe I'll find my missing gloves. I have 2 pairs of gloves and can only find one of each of them. Major fail- especially on a frigid day like today.

Last thing, THANK GOD no one was injured in the plane crash today. It's unbelievable that the pilot was able to land the plane safely in the river and not in Manhattan.

**Ok I lied, this is the last thing. This is what I watched on TV today. Screw trying to learn the dance to Single Ladies... this one is SO much easier and just as fun. Enjoy... I know I did.

Dreamy

Why are all of the guys that I can see myself dating are taken? I'm picky.... not in looks per se but chemistry. I'm just bored if it's not electric. And with the consultant at work- it is electric. He's good looking, not hot, but definitely attractive. He's nice. Good with kids. Good at what he does. Also from Michigan. Kinda dorky and awkward but still keeps it cool.

And married. Sigh. Staying away from that with a 30 foot pole.

Anyways, mom went to her first AA meeting tonight and called me right after. I'm happy that she's being open with me. I feel like alcoholism is such a secretive thing, so I think being open will help. She sounded really excited and said she met a bunch of very nice and supportive people, got phone numbers, and is already going to another meeting on Wednesday. I'm proud of her and she says this time it's changing forever. I want to believe her so badly. I do believe her. I just don't want to get my heart broken.

-Suz

PS: Tonight I made the chili mac that Lacey posted in her blog yesterday... and oh mah gaw. Go to the store and buy the ingredients and make... IMMEDIATELY.

Time to bring out the spandex

I'm currently spending my Sunday night on my couch watching Rich Bride Poor Bride while "sipping" chocolate chips out of a coffee mug.

Oh how I loathe your monthly visit, Ms. Menses.

The aftermath

I finally talked to my Mom today. I'm just so sad about the whole situation. I'm not even angry anymore, just sad. I wish that it didn't have to come down to a DUI before she got help. In a way, I'm thankful that this happened because it gave me the chance to finally be honest for the first time in my life. And there's no denying it now. And she knows that, and agrees with everything I had to say.

I just want things to be different. She says she's never going to drink a drop of alcohol ever again in her life. But part of me is thinking, how realistic is that? But then again, I don't really know that much about addiction. Does it have to be cold turkey? Or can she learn to control it? I have no idea.

Hopefully the judge will at least let her drive to work. Otherwise, I don't know what will happen. I just wish I could be there with my sister. Luckily, she's going back to MSU today so she doesn't have to be dragged down by this situation. But it sucks. Sometimes I hate her but I'm so glad that I have Audrey. I can't imagine going through this without her.

So now I'm just sitting here watching the Giants suck right now against the Eagles. Boo. I wanted to have a team to cheer for in the Super Bowl for ONCE in my life. Maybe next year. I can't stop stuffing my face with Haagen Daaz strawberry sorbet. Oh well, at least it's fat-free, right?

On a horrifying health related note- Wii Fit said I was OBESE!!!! Ugh. I know I'm overweight but I didn't think it would classify me as OBESE. I feel like I can never believe that kind of stuff because I have a lot of muscle and am only a size 14. Is a size 14 OBESE? Sorry I keep having to capitalize it, but it's just that sort of word. In happier news, it said that my Wii Fit age was only 20, which is 2 years younger than I really am. Glad I'm getting a kick-start on the aging process.

I don't know where to begin.

I'm starting this blog because I really need to just get all of this out of my head. I've known for a long time that my mom was an alcoholic. Actually admitting that.... not so easy. And hasn't happened until today. She got a DUI last night, second time in 10 years. My sister had to go pick her up from jail. I couldn't believe it when I talked to my sister at about 11am this morning. I had just called my mom a few minutes before she called. My mom's phone was off. It was very strange, as it's always on. I left her a message saying it's weird her phone was off, but told her I just called to say hi and see how she and her new cats were doing. Little did I know that it was off because she was in jail.

I'm bad at talking about this sort of thing. I'm much better when I can write it all down and get my words straight, because otherwise I just end up saying things I'll regret later because I'm so caught up in emotion. Or I won't say everything that I need to because I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings. So I emailed her. And this is what it said:

"I can’t believe I have to write this to you and I never wanted to, but I can’t be quiet about this anymore. I know this is going to hurt you, but believe me, I’m (and Audrey, although I can’t speak for her) hurting as well. In ways you can’t even begin to imagine. But I can’t keep ignoring what’s obviously going on. Mom, you’re an alcoholic. It’s such an ugly word but it’s the truth. And we don’t have time anymore to not be honest about things. I love you too much to just be quiet and polite anymore.

You need help. You are sick and need help. Just like all sick people do. But there’s a difference between being sick and making bad choices. And what happened was a bad choice. You know right from wrong because you teach it to us and always tell us to be safe, never drink and then drive. So WHY does this have to happen??? We all make bad choices, but you haven’t learned from them. This happened before and it made you sober for about a year it seemed, but after that it was back to the same old thing. I hope with everything that I have that this time is different. Please let this be the last time. Please stop drinking.

I feel like me and Audrey are the adults and now we have to look after you. You were probably mad when you found out I told Aunt Jen, but what else are we supposed to do. Handle this ourselves??? At this point, you have no choice but to let us help you. You are literally digging yourself a grave if you go on like this. I can’t even imagine what could have happened. You could have KILLED yourself, or someone else.

I can’t believe the situation that you inadvertently put Audrey in. The fact that I couldn’t be there with her killed me. I almost went right then to the airport to fly home to be with her. I can’t believe she had to do that by herself. NO 20 year old should ever have to pick up their mother from jail. I know that’s not what you wanted, but it’s what happened. I had over 10 missed calls from her at 3am, I couldn’t even imagine what went wrong. I called her when I got up, but no answer. When she called me back I was eating my bagel and getting my coffee, finally settling down to all of the work I have to get done this weekend. And it was some of the worst news you could ever get while at a coffee shop on a Saturday morning. I had no idea what to say.

And still don’t know how to say anything, which is why you’re getting this email. You remember when I texted you when you were out all night when we were having a cousin sleepover? I said that I was worried. And this is exactly what I was worried about. I feel like some sort of prophet now, and not in a good way. I worry about you doing this every time you go out. I imagined this exact situation happening that night, with all the girls over. I hate worrying about you. I think I worry about you probably more than you worry about me, if you can even imagine that. I’m disappointed in myself for not doing something to stop you sooner, but what could I say??? How do you have that conversation with your own mother? Well this has forced me to say something.

I know you think I’m “uptight” (as you’ve said before), but this is why. This is EXACTLY why I am the way I am. When you were in New York and wanted to go to a bar at 4pm and I was resistant, this is why. When you wanted to buy beer at Duane Reade while we had an hour to rest at your hotel and I gave you a look and you thought I was being a bitch, this is why. It would hurt me so much when you would say these things, acting like I’m the not-fun one of the family. But really, it would hurt for about 10 minutes before I realized that it was just your sickness talking.

And now you see, this is why I’m uptight. This is why I don’t like to go get a drink in the afternoon, or drink at family parties. And if you think I’m uptight or don’t know how to have fun, that’s fine, because I’m not the one calling my daughter to come pick me up from jail.

When this happened like 8 years ago, Audrey and I knew there was a problem. And for 8 years we’ve ignored it. But it can’t be ignored anymore. At that point, I think we almost chose to be blind to what was happening. We were only like 13 and 15… dealing with the fact that you suddenly realize that your mom is an alcoholic is not something you can easily deal with. Plus it was easier. Even though you and dad weren’t together, we didn’t have to deal with it as much because we had a buffer. I don’t really know what this has to do with anything, but it’s different this time because me and Audrey both understand these things in a different and more serious way.

And please never say, I know how you feel, because you don’t. You never had to worry about picking your mother up in jail. Or worrying every time she went out. Do you realize that most of our fights (and your fights with Aud) happen after you’ve been drinking? The time right before we got my iPhone and you got upset at me for no reason in the car, I know you were drinking before that. All those times you’ve gotten mad at me for wanting to drive after you’ve been drinking? I would get in trouble for doing the right thing and trying to prevent exactly what happened. I would be SO angry when you would get mad at me for wanting to drive after you’ve been drinking, it was so backwards. Shouldn’t I have been the one being angry at you for wanting to drive drunk? But no, you acted like I was being a snot and a bitch for trying to prevent you from going to jail, but obviously I can’t try to protect you all the time.

It’s obvious what’s going on when you see all of the evidence in the breezeway, down by the laundry machine, the box of wine in the cupboard. Part of me loathes every family party because I know how much you’ll drink. When everyone thought that it was crazy that that wedding the Casella's were going to had no alcohol? Believe me, I’ve thought MANY times about having a no-alcohol wedding just so you wouldn’t drink. You act so different when you drink… I HATE it.

You’re agitated, forgetful, short with us, say inappropriate things and are just different. The drinking you is not the real you. The real you is warm and loving and so incredibly generous. I hate that your sickness controls who you are and takes that away sometimes. I know what I’m about to say is going to hurt you, but your disease makes me closed off to other people more than the divorce. Everyone has divorced parents and that’s easy to open up about, but your mom being an alcoholic? Definitely harder to talk about.

I honestly don’t know what to feel right now. I don’t know whether if I were with you if I’d want to scream at you or hug you. I’m so angry and hurt and sad. I don’t know if me being in New York makes it easier or worse for me. I don’t have to deal with this if I don’t want to, but I know that I have to, for your and our family’s sake.

Please get help for yourself. I know you don’t love yourself right now, but there are other people who do. And we love you too much to not force you to get help for yourself. You need to concentrate on you and being the best and healthiest you that’s possible. And right now you’re not there. And you need professional help to get there. But it is possible. You are such an amazing person and mother when you’re sober. But when you’re drinking, you’re a different person. And that person needs to go.

I know everything that I had to say was hurtful but you need to understand why you have to hear all of this. If I didn’t say this, I feel like no one would. I owe it to you to be honest with you. In a way, I’m glad this happened because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to say any of this, which has been building up for 10+ years. I know this sucks but you need to hear it. Please don’t get help just because your terms of probation make you. Get help because you WANT to. Because you need to. For yourself and for us. You know I love you so much. I wouldn’t have gone through the pain of telling you all of this if I didn’t.

And it’s not just you who needs help; we all do, for supporting your habits. I know I’ve passively supported all of this by not saying anything, but that time is over. I have to be completely honest with you. I’ve already researched al-anon meetings (for friends and family) here in NY because I need to learn how to deal with this as well and learn how I can support you the best. Remember, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you, but I do. And when you love someone as much as I love you, you do ANYTHING in order to fix things. You’re not in this alone. You can’t change the past but we can change what happens in the future. And in the end, you’re the only one that can prevent this from happening again.

I don’t know what else to say, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’ve drank so much coffee today to have a rational reason for why my whole body feels numb- trying to get myself to think that it’s the coffee and not the news I received this morning that’s making me feel this way. I don’t know how your life is going to change now, and I know it’s going to suck, but I hope it changes for the better. I need you to be around for a long time, so you need to get better. Please."


I don't know if those were the right things to say or if I should have said that much so soon, but I feel like I had to. It's been building up in me for so long, and I'm relieved she knows how I feel. She's called me since getting the email and left a voicemail, crying, saying that everything I said was completely true and that she knows we can't trust her right now but this time it's different. She's right; I can't trust her and don't know if this time is 'different'. Only time will tell. And it's going to take a hell of a lot of time.

-Suz

Back Story

This post was written to a prior blog, dated January 2, 2009 and titled "Unwelcome".

"I feel like a stranger in my own home. I feel like my mom’s more into dating and going out than spending time with me, who only gets to come home every six months. I feel like she’s the 22 year old and I’m the mom. It’s my last night here and she was planning on going out with this missionary guy tonight. And this is after I was home all by myself last night because everyone was too busy to spend time with me. Typing that makes me sound so ridiculous and insecure, but that’s really how I felt. The only reason she’s not going is because I said something. But really, should I have to say something to get my own mother to hang out with me on my last night in town for six months?

I know my family is far from perfect, but I really wish we could at least try and spend time together. That would make me feel a lot better… Instead of everyone just living their own separate lives."