Stream of consciousness

Cueing stream of consciousness...

why can i never fall asleep on sundays???
i have to wake up in 3 hours and it's 2:07 am whyyy....
i hope my nails stay nice looking for at least two days
this $9 OPI nail polish better be worth it
UGH i cant believe i spent $9 on nail polish today
but i couldn't resist the perfect shade of pink, right?

i need to keep reminding myself that it's just a job
not my life.
my job is not my life.
my job is not my life.
repeat 10x
i mean it's not like it's "suzanne review time"
it's "school review time"
maybe the reviewer won't even observe me

i just wish i could f-ing sleep.
i wish my white mac book was whiter.
i wish my mom wasn't going to have to go to jail.
i wish my sister lived in nyc.
i wish i didn't stress about work like i do.

i'm not a perfectionist in anything else besides work
and i still don't feel good enough.
i hope the kids aren't crazy tomorrow
even though i know they will be super thrown off.
i bought a new pink travel mug to encourage myself to make coffee at home.
i hope it works.

i should go to bed
but it's too hot in my room and i feel like poop.

End of ridiculousness.

Blurred lines

Even though I graduated almost 10 months ago, I still don’t feel comfortable being a grow-up person. Maybe after the year mark. Then I can’t go back and say “at this time last year…”. I feel like I’m growing up to fast. I don’t know how to negotiate this fine line in between childhood and adulthood.

Yes, “childhood” ends at like age 10, but I just mean like the whole “parents taking care of you” stage of life. I mean it’s tax season, and I (God-forbid) have to figure out how to do it myself!! I just made my own dentist appointment for the first time n my life. Maybe it’s my parents fault for spoiling me.

Last week, I went home because I had the week off of work (thank you education). I flew back to the city on Thursday and when I was at the airport in Detroit, the airport was swarming with Michigan kids because they just got out for spring break. It was weird to see familiar faces.

As I got settled down into my nice exit row window seat, the hot guy in the window seat looked oddly familiar. (The middle seat was empty.) I couldn’t figure out how I knew him… if it was from somewhere in New York or if I knew him from college. It was just the most bizarre clashing of my two distinct lives because I couldn’t figure out if he was from the past or from the present. I feel like my life now is a completely separate entity from what it was before I moved here, and it’s weird when they over-lap.

Eventually, I figured out who he was. He was a door guy at the bar we used to always go to senior year. Every (and I mean EVERY) Thursday night we’d put on our semi-slutty-yet-trying-to-look-nice outfits and go out with no jacket and heels on, even in the snow. Jackets would surely get stolen and hopefully we’d have done enough pre-gaming to not feel the biting cold.

It was in that disgusting basement bar/dirty dance club that I have some of my best college memories. Cheap drinks, drunken dancing, kissing boys that I shouldn’t have, creating memories that we’d look back at and roll our eyes and laugh.

And there I was sitting on that plane, thinking that exactly one year ago this guy was checking my ID at the door as I was getting ready to make some probably not-so-wise decisions. And now he was sitting next to me on my plane to LaGuardia, me working on lesson plans and him reading a huge stock market book. Weird to think how much can change in one year, and how life really is a continuous thing, not two separate entities defined by a move across the country.

Fallen Off

Yes, I've fallen off the face of the blog-earth. I'm still alive and feel like I'm finally getting my life to a point where I'm happy. I need to start writing again for my own sanity... but my "writing" has been demoted to jotting random thoughts in my pink moleskin (lovelovelove). I'm going to try to get back to some sort of normal blogging soon because life is moving too fast. SLOW DOWN. sigh.