Weeeekend.... !!

What would I do without the weekend??? What a scary thought, life without the weekend. This past week was soooo long, so this weekend was a very much welcomed break.

I'm finally feeling settled and at home in New York. I finally feel like I have a solid group of friends and that I know the city like the back of my hand. I finally feel like I have a place here and that I fit in.

On Friday I went out with two friends, one of whom I haven't seen in a really long time. Usually, when teachers hang out with eachother, it's a time to complain, bitch, and just talk about how annoying students and administration are. But these girls are so upbeat and actually make me feel good about my job and how I'm doing. I love positive people. It took me like an hour to get back to the west side at tne end of the night, but it was still a great night out.

Yesterday, The Greek God called me at like noon and asked me to come to Philadelphia that night to celebrate his birthday. As much as I'd love to see him, the thought of figuring out how to get there and actually doing it was way too much for me. He argued that he was there for my 21st so I should be there for his, but if he really wanted me there, he would have given me more notice than 8 hours, right?

J gchatted me today and told me that he went to The Greek God's party last night. Part of me didn't want to go because I thought I wouldn't know anyone and would be the super awkward girl talking to no one, and part of me didn't want to go because I thought J would be there and I'd be stuck talking to and hanging out with him the whole night. So all in all, I'm glad I didn't go because I reallllllly didn't wanna see him and have to spend a night in the same room with him.

I'm watching the MSU basketball game right now and getting really excited. I'm totally cheering for them, even though it kind of goes against my religion and allegiance to my superior alma mater. But still, gotta cheer for the Big Ten and most importantly for the wonderful state of MI. Go green? Yes, go green!

Phew...

I almost cried at work today for the first time ever.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE READING ANYMORE: I love my job more than anything and almost always look forward to leaving my house at 6:30 and trekking up to the Bronx to see 6 smiling faces looking at me. I'm also on my period and thus hyper-emotional. Also hyper-emotional because of all the personal things going on.

So anyways, today one of my students was OUT OF CONTROL at breakfast. Yes, the whole wanting to cry thing happened before I even got to my classroom with my students. I don't want to get into it but she was basically in crisis mode (I have severely special ed. students) and no one in the cafeteria was helping me. But it's over and done, tomorrow will be better.

But you know, it just sucks. Normally when people talk about crying at work, it's because of something a mentally-capable adult does. I was about to break down at work because of what a 6-year-old with autism was doing. Sigh.

Since I was feeling like absolute crappity crap after school, I decided to decompress in bed for a little bit and then go on a run. And believe it or not, I actually got out of bed to do it! Honestly, it's 3 hours post-run, and I'm still shocked that I kept my promise. And being so surprised with myself, of course I'm in a better mood.

Maybe I'm finally subconsciously REALLY committed this time to becoming more active and getting in shape. And this makes me verrryyyy happy. It's been a while since I've considered myself an active person. I started out by jogging before stopping to catch my breath and stretch, and my lungs were DYING. But instead of turning around, I kept going, and ended up at the George Washington Bridge! All the way from Columbia! This fact definitely made me happy, I think *maybe* I got a shot of the elusive "runner's high".... but maybe it was a fluke.

I then ran back downtown through Harlem, which I acutally enjoyed a lot more than running on the street in the Upper West Side. Definitely more interesting and more things to see and keep my mind off of running.

Hopefully I can keep this up. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the word. I have no arches in my feet, and thus horrible knees, I'm slow, and I feel like a panting dog when I do it. BUT, I'm not doing it for anyone else, so I don't care if I look or sound ridiculous, I'm doing it for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even get crazy and pony up the $100/month to join a gym soon...??

Jail.

My mom is in jail.

Never, EVER, in my entire life did I ever think I'd be writing such a sentence. I can't even write about it in my actual real-life-write-with-a-pen journal because it feels too permanent. I can write it in here becaue I can go back and delete this if I can't bear to look at that word.

I grew up with dance recitals, planting vegetable gardens in the front yard, straight A report cards, being an altar girl, going to grandma's every Sunday for extended family dinner, with my mom as the parent volunteer in elementary, I grew up never knowing what heartbreak was.

And now I'm truly heartbroken at where my mom is (I can't even write it). Yes, she gets out tomorrow and it's been less than a week and she's still able to go to work while she's there. But just thinking of my mom in there... I can't even being to imagine what she has to wear when she's in there and what she has to eat or where she sleeps.

I don't know if I even WANT to know any of the details. I kind of just want to forget that she ever had to go there.

I've been able to talk to her Monday and Tuesday because she's working and has her cell phone, and she sounds so good. So good. I'm having more problems with all of this than she is. She's thankful that she just got pulled over and didn't cause an accident. She says she knows this is so life-changing for her and says that she's "glad to be there" because it's such an important lesson.

I need to let go of my whole perfect life thing. Growing up, I always thought I had the perfect life. Obviously, I don't. SO far from it, it's not even funny.

I need to find a way to get over this. I've even gone to church for the past 2 weeks in a row to try to find answers and peace. I haven't gone to church alone and willingly for 8 years. And it is helping, surprisingly.

I just hope I can get over this. My mom has- and now I need to, too.

(All I see in this post is "I" "I" "I", me me me, but it's late.)

I know I'll see you again...

Lately I've been missing Leo, for no particular reason. I wonder if he ever misses me. I hope so but I'm not totally sure.

He randomly started gchatting with me the other night, which we do every few months. Nothing earth shattering, just checking up on life. He'll graduate this year and then has no idea where he'll be. Part of me thinks he'll come back to DC and part of me thinks he'll stay in MI.

I just wonder if I'll feel about someone else how I felt about him. We had such a rocky relationship and it totally sucked while we were in it, and I didn't understand how much I cared about him at the time. Sure I was IN LOVE with him, but I didn't realize how much I truly LOVED him.

And I still think we're soulmates. Even when we talk either in person or on the phone just about superficial things I still feel something (on gchat I don't feel anything... I'm bad with online communication).

I wish I would have tried harder to get back together with him last year at school. Now I know we'll never be "together" again, but I know our paths will cross.

I wish there were clearer answers to life. Sigh. I just hate thinking about him and wish I could erase all memory.


PS: CT contacted me this weekend- ugh. He still thinks I want to see him. Barf.

Title inspired by Incubus. Quite possibly my favorite song of all time.

Stream of consciousness

Cueing stream of consciousness...

why can i never fall asleep on sundays???
i have to wake up in 3 hours and it's 2:07 am whyyy....
i hope my nails stay nice looking for at least two days
this $9 OPI nail polish better be worth it
UGH i cant believe i spent $9 on nail polish today
but i couldn't resist the perfect shade of pink, right?

i need to keep reminding myself that it's just a job
not my life.
my job is not my life.
my job is not my life.
repeat 10x
i mean it's not like it's "suzanne review time"
it's "school review time"
maybe the reviewer won't even observe me

i just wish i could f-ing sleep.
i wish my white mac book was whiter.
i wish my mom wasn't going to have to go to jail.
i wish my sister lived in nyc.
i wish i didn't stress about work like i do.

i'm not a perfectionist in anything else besides work
and i still don't feel good enough.
i hope the kids aren't crazy tomorrow
even though i know they will be super thrown off.
i bought a new pink travel mug to encourage myself to make coffee at home.
i hope it works.

i should go to bed
but it's too hot in my room and i feel like poop.

End of ridiculousness.

Blurred lines

Even though I graduated almost 10 months ago, I still don’t feel comfortable being a grow-up person. Maybe after the year mark. Then I can’t go back and say “at this time last year…”. I feel like I’m growing up to fast. I don’t know how to negotiate this fine line in between childhood and adulthood.

Yes, “childhood” ends at like age 10, but I just mean like the whole “parents taking care of you” stage of life. I mean it’s tax season, and I (God-forbid) have to figure out how to do it myself!! I just made my own dentist appointment for the first time n my life. Maybe it’s my parents fault for spoiling me.

Last week, I went home because I had the week off of work (thank you education). I flew back to the city on Thursday and when I was at the airport in Detroit, the airport was swarming with Michigan kids because they just got out for spring break. It was weird to see familiar faces.

As I got settled down into my nice exit row window seat, the hot guy in the window seat looked oddly familiar. (The middle seat was empty.) I couldn’t figure out how I knew him… if it was from somewhere in New York or if I knew him from college. It was just the most bizarre clashing of my two distinct lives because I couldn’t figure out if he was from the past or from the present. I feel like my life now is a completely separate entity from what it was before I moved here, and it’s weird when they over-lap.

Eventually, I figured out who he was. He was a door guy at the bar we used to always go to senior year. Every (and I mean EVERY) Thursday night we’d put on our semi-slutty-yet-trying-to-look-nice outfits and go out with no jacket and heels on, even in the snow. Jackets would surely get stolen and hopefully we’d have done enough pre-gaming to not feel the biting cold.

It was in that disgusting basement bar/dirty dance club that I have some of my best college memories. Cheap drinks, drunken dancing, kissing boys that I shouldn’t have, creating memories that we’d look back at and roll our eyes and laugh.

And there I was sitting on that plane, thinking that exactly one year ago this guy was checking my ID at the door as I was getting ready to make some probably not-so-wise decisions. And now he was sitting next to me on my plane to LaGuardia, me working on lesson plans and him reading a huge stock market book. Weird to think how much can change in one year, and how life really is a continuous thing, not two separate entities defined by a move across the country.

Fallen Off

Yes, I've fallen off the face of the blog-earth. I'm still alive and feel like I'm finally getting my life to a point where I'm happy. I need to start writing again for my own sanity... but my "writing" has been demoted to jotting random thoughts in my pink moleskin (lovelovelove). I'm going to try to get back to some sort of normal blogging soon because life is moving too fast. SLOW DOWN. sigh.